Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in The Devil Told Me So's LiveJournal:

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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
9:46 pm	my life more ordinary masquerading in cyber-lonliness and a personal creative love, i've grown the urge to purge the senseless anonymity for another love--fame. it's best told through one of my favourite series--six feet under--that "Everything. Everryone. Everywhere. Ends." it is most awful that the surprisingly uplifting spirit of the final season brought upon me a cascade of depression. i have always been sure that everything, everyone, everywhere, ends, but my own constant fear of the inevitable leaves me with my particular prejudices. i am so hopeful so often that i set myself up for pain and ridicule. as far as i have been living, the two are interchangeable. i have grown to realize that i do not distinguish the difference between the two. my blessing and flaw is that i have the incorrigible ability to (as dave chapelle fully illustrated in a sketch) "keep it real". and i do this by my thoughts and words day in and day out. one thousand thoughts a day and i manage to realize (in this context to be understood similarly to the spanish realizar) one of them. in doing so, i end up destroying cookie-cutter sensations of goodness. i think "ignorance is bliss" is a blessing in few disguises, and i, in turn, am able to destruct such bliss in "keeping it real". i can destroy a man, but not his soul if it is hardened by his heart, with my words of criticism. i dare not share truly what i think sometimes because it is many times awful beyond repair. thus, i am conflicted to share some painful truths in exchange for ignorant peace. yet, do not be discourage in believing that i am only full of damaging honesty; rather, i do have, like mentioned prior, a hope so pure and rarely unflinching. ok, maybe pure equates to bullshit, but i do dine as much as possible in positivity. with my obsessive need to observe, calculate, evaluate, and demonstrate what i see everyday in this world, i tire myself by forgetting the simpler things in life. i lose touch with my childhood more and more as i seek a rhyme and reason to the world's orbit. to lose myself to imagination is only exercised in the repetitive survey of owned dvd's. access to my own imagination has been fudged and blurred with tired equations that only return one-perspectival answers. seeking forgiveness is definately an equation i could never write well. there are too many unknowns and varying parameters for every situation making one array for product too simple, too miscalculated, and seemingly undeveloped. i have deluded two groups of people--my family and others. with my family, forgiveness is an imperative. with others, it is a process with a product yet to be determined. relationships do not have to be kept with others. they can simply be terminated by only one will. the greatest misfortune in that is the absenct need of mutuality. it does not necessitate two or more factors to dispose. thus, the incessant notion of "disposable" comes into play. that is a word branded into all my living membranes. ironic? absolutely. it is a little known piece of wisdom that i can relate that family rarely is so disposable as an other. sometimes, i even find myself trying diligently to dispose of certain family members. it has been, through my own experiences, quite impossible. there lies an attachment to blood, lineage, and/or history that does not allow me any ease. the chemically altered, hormonal induced, repetitive conditioning of the notion and feeling we call "love" binds me to family, not the sequencing of As, Cs, Gs, or Ts in one's dna. my family may feel disposable at times, but in my heart are constantly forgiven. what we feel has been conditioned since our embryonic births. our reactions are only equations of history, presence, and relation. relativity is beyond physics. it is religion, it is war, it is harmony, it is politics, it is society, it is emotion, it is sense, it is our existence. frightfully, it is all up to our interpreation and understanding, our mere mortal comprehension. thus, it leaves discouraging or blessed possibility that our autobiographies are written by strangers. as my depression begins to limbo, i only recently realize so much of my life is handled by others. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, March 8th, 2006
11:20 pm	Tate Modern It's my modern paradise, I suppose. I know I had margon and gato with me in London, but it was one of my most memorable loneliest times in my life, and I loved every moment of it. It's not that I didn't enjoy the companionships that surrounded me, but it was a place I could feel comfortably alone in. Once again, I'm brought back to thinking about the film Closer. Because London is significantly different from San Marcos, San Diego, and Berkeley, there was a huge romanticism attached to it, of course by me. The ability to be alone was magnificent. The ability to think on my own was tremendous and beautiful. There was no need for me to rebel anything there. Because I was there as a tourist and at the same time as a temporary dweller of the environment, I felt somewhat inclined to feeling at home. That's just what I did. I grew quickly accustomed to the culture and the livlihood of the city and its outskirts. The Tate Modern provided me borders and limits in a way that extended my ambitions. It's a bit complex to understand, or maybe moreso just contradictory; yet, it was a complete comfort of who I was, I am, and who I want to be. I want to be the Tate Modern. Subtle in its exterior majesty, but so complete inside. And the completeness is quite unlimited... as if there is always room to grow inside there although the limits of the walls can never change. It's like my own skin. There's so much my exterior can be and form into, but the limits inside my being can constantly change and yet still feel complete. The Tate Modern also has this memorable entrance which actually isn't the main entrance of circulation. Rather, it is on the side where the floor slopes and the the high ceiling allows the rectangular campus of light I assume is coming from the east. I could be totally wrong since my sense of direction is never right. Today was the last day of critiques for the Winter quarter at Newschool. It's been intense, especially with the lack of sleep that comes with the routine of preparing for a critique. The thing is, as much time as you spend and as much time as you have before your presentation, you never have (or never feel) a sense of completeness. You always feel like you could have done more or that you knew you wanted to do more but time limited you. I once spent 50 hours without sleep before a critique. Margon and Gato know how I deal with presentations. Brian knows to a little extent as well. It's a part of the architecture culture... especially as a student. I love and hate it. Nobody enjoys the stress but everybody loves the adrenaline rush. It's quite the drug, and I'm sure that's why architecture students are inclined to experimenting. In any case, I'm glad the shit is over with, but my mind is still filled with ideas of what I could have done better. Also, the criticism helps to direct my research, studies, and design forward. I'm very happy, and at the same time I'm disappointed in my short study of design. I've got a million things juggling in my mind right now, and depression once was one of them. I'm in a somewhat comfortable place right now, and it tends to be fleeting. I'm growing and learning and feeling (especially at this time) less inclined to end myself in some unimpressive way. i love my family. i love my boyfriend. i love my best friends. i love my career. But I'm not there yet. And the thing is, I never will be, but the path and strategy that I'm taking is overwhelmingly appropriate and worthwhile. I ask for many things, but I'm overall content. I always strive for more, and that doesn't bother me. I don't think it should because I am also very understanding of my place--in time and environment. Not to sound like a super-Christian right now, but I love God, Vishnu, Siva, Allah, etc.... I'm in constant love with the mysterious power and incomprehensible majesty about it all... Even in depression, I'm in love. Current Mood: cheerful (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 18th, 2006
2:50 pm	it's just getting better for a somewhat hungover morning (from last night's coke-laced cigs, alcohol, and drum and bass), instead of sleeping in until 1pm, i was visited by mr. trooper brian to go on the 6- or 7-mile hike near discovery lake. thus, within the 5 hours i could have been sleeping (since sargeant bilko drilled me at 8:30am) i trekked this 2-hour hike among the san marcos ridgeline, watched tv, and did george's in sm. for me, it's been quite the different path from my rockstar binging in hopes of destroying myself... on a very lighter note (i don't want to be a petey), i have my top moments for today (and the best thing is that the day is nowhere near over). the following is in chronological order: 1) along the hike we were cautioned to, and according to brian's sound effects, yieeeeeeeeeeeld to horses! 2) on the way back to my house, we had to go through these private dirt roads that apparently some kind of squatting was going on (ok, i'm exaggerating, but for effect, of course). out of both our nervousness, i giggled the whole way to be encountered by chopper, the friendly rottweiler and zero, the ugly dog leashed for a reason! 3) i stole a guava from my neighbor's tree on the way back home. my mom suggested i take more, as well, she suggested on stealing more at night when no one can see. 4) back home at my house brian stumbled upon an mtv documentary called fat camp. we obviously didn't finish the program because it was too intense. i suggested that i should go to fat camp so i can lose weight as well as be the hottest person there... trust me, fat camp breeds fat uglies. the best part was when the socially inept diane decides the best way to get back at her roommates who have been "nagging" her to take a shower was to... yeah, get this... not take a shower for three days. yeah! you go diane! that'll get'em tiger. 5) more fat camp drama (because fatties love it, and because this doc. is too good to fit into only one highlight)... petey, the bipolar shit-talker who has a-cups. he's such a great character, he gets a whole highlight unto himself... as well as my new found love for the term "petey". i.e. "brian, you are such a petey!" this is obviously a superlative adjective... this is THE worst term for "crazy". 6) fat camp was getting too dramatic and way too intense, and we had been watching it for over an hour; thus, we just had to stop. we did our salads at george's. for the first time i recognized the hot greek boy owners which i never noticed before. of course, brian was digging them, too. he had dibs on the short-haired boy and i called for the long-haired hottie. anyways, hottie #1 (brian's) had to replace the iced tea which i had some of and was waiting for a refill. but being of a third-world mother, i knew that i could totally get free refills because i bought the cheapest sized drink, the small. so as brian was chatting up a very important story, he had to keep me in check by making sure i was listening. he noticed that i kept looking to my left near the register. in reaction he said, "stop looking at the hottie and listen to my story." i then later admitted that it wasn't the hottie i was looking for, but the iced tea. that's when he told me i was "something else"... something special... that was a corollary to his earlier comment that my competive activites include "the dinner table". yeah, he's a bitch petey. we're just ordinary people. Current Mood: giggly (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, February 17th, 2006
10:12 am	mama says... not to drink anymore because the news says it promotes depression. ma's lookin out for me. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, February 16th, 2006
9:23 pm	silly but hotttt jaime wore birkenstocks with dark blue socks today. that is probably the only time i will find this acceptable. cheers to a possibly good upcoming weekend. (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 14th, 2006
2:07 am	i did it again so i let my little curiosity go wild on myspace which i told myself i really should stop doing. well, i did stop. then i did it again after a couple months. what got me on the stupid chase was that i ran into a girl that i knew from elementary school. she was bartending at chili's... and i'm sure she knew who i was because she referred to me by my old first name, which i have only introduced myself as during my school days. so, even though i ordered using my new first name, she called me by school name. yeah, it was this girl amber. and i wanted to find out if she was on myspace. funny thing is, because i couldn't remember her last name, i searched females between the ages of 23 and 24 living within a 5-mile radius from myself. that of course gave me an 18-page listing with 10 people per page. scanning through these faces i recognized some chicks from my high school my year. interesting. then there was derica. and i totally remember giving her my version of hell everytime i encountered her in high school. another funny thing... i don't think she realized that i really didn't like her. i, of course, being me, gave her my bitchy shit every day, and she always mistook it as my sense of humour. funny, yes. the bitch was dumb. anyways, back to that bidnezz... i looked at her friends, and i saw a morgan. that totally caught my attention, and i'm thinking... what if? and my "what if" was answered by "yup, it's him." yes yes... m*rgan fr*sk. yeah, that beautiful-eyed boy grew up to be a man living and surfing with other hotties in hawai'i. how fuckin cool is that? i totally forgot i used to work with him at the bbq pit... he was the dishwasher. those were the days, eh? then i ran into daniel from berkeley... the other in the only threesome event i've ever been in... yes, and cheating on my then-boyfriend at the time vince. yeah, that was weird. the homie is now doing grad school at UH Manoa. that was supposed to be my school, remember??? my grad school. funny how things work out, eh? the boy knows tagalog better than me, which isn't saying much, but he's fuckin WHITE. and now he's learning ilokano? yeah, my family's dialect. the dialect from the province i'm from. fuckin weird. oh yeah, did i forget to mention i met him through patrick? yeah... he started that shit. in class today, i was working on my site plan and jaime came over to ask me questions. we then moved on to a whole fuckin conversation about the u.s. fucking up all its last resources so that i would someday have to move to canada, preferrably vancouver. that's where jaime's from, so he was info'ing me in about the canadian system. very briefly though. then i found out that he was 30... i did the math which wasn't too hard... duh, he said he'd be 40 in 10 years. in any case, no wonder he's so fascinated by me. i talk the same shit he does but i'm much younger. this reminds me of berkeley when demir fell in love with me for the same reason... who ALSO moved to hawai'i. am i getting signs or what??? anyways, me and demir chatted the shit all the time, got high together, and just talked our politics... the kind that interested us... third world regionalism and urban planning... pretty much that was the scope. and now, i'm talkin this shit up with jaime. yeah, gato called me the other day asking for demir's last name. besides the fact that i still have a picture of demir in my bedroom (along many drunken photos from camp woolsey), her call reminded me that there was a demir in my life. anyways, demir's twin brother graduated fron nyu, and that's why she wanted the info. the chat with jaime reminded me of the urban planning of the bay area that i miss dearly. the fact that i could get around almost anywhere without a car was divine. i miss those days. i told tomas i was going to visit him soon. and i'm totally gonna be there for his graduation... right next to the mariachi band. i'm feeling optimistic. my graduation date is 17 june 2006. set your calendars. i'm gonna party like it's 1999 (like i was 17)! (Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 31st, 2006
10:25 am	trivial, but what isn't these days? i stayed in the office sunday night until 1am. i was lying down in my room from being sick... alcohol-induced, my mom's worst nightmare. she always handles it with shock, like "i didn't think you could get sick," or "see? you're like you're uncle precion. you deserve it." to mimicking a drunk in my face and laughing at me... she kept saying this word that i'm not familiar with... not sure if it's tagalog or ilokano. yeah, well the past two saturdays have been spent dancing at bars with john. he's been taking care of me lately... and it's good to know that somehow, despite my insecurities and regrets, i'm still loved. anyways, like i was saying prior, my boss called me sunday afternoon to see if i could come in and help. so i did... spent 5 hours that night. then came in again monday morning. oh, and then robert called me kuz his mom was sent to urgent care... something's goin on with her uterus... so i visited her in the hospital which i hate. i hate hospitals. the sterility makes me light-headed. she was starting to break a fever because the nurses put her on vicadin, i think. she's having her operation this noon. we had to pack a bag for her, and robert and i dropped it off at his aunt margie's house. the whole day was long and almost surreal. i'm not sure if that's an appropriate word. in any case... i'm glad i could be there for robert in his time of need. it was cute though when me and lisa were chatting it up. she wrote this list of things to pack, and i told her how rio was missing her dearly. yeah, her cat rio has been doing this heat-induced purrs by the window and the back sliding. well she asked for usual underwear and socks (since she'll be there for almost the whole week) and her crochet bag and a book... reminded me of arjon. i bet if she were ever stuck in the hospital, she'd had a crochet bag and a book as well. maybe a crossword puzzle to enhance her vocab. then i called tomas and we had a good chit-chat. he's quite my parallel. we jive really well and find ourselves loving the same things and doing the same processes in life. can't wait to see him in may. love cats love... dilly dally all. Current Mood: worried (Comment on this)
Saturday, January 28th, 2006
11:07 am	the blower's daughter a song from damien rice's "o" And so it is Just like you said it would be Life goes easy on me Most of the time And so it is The shorter story No love, no glory No hero in her sky I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes... And so it is Just like you said it should be We'll both forget the breeze Most of the time And so it is The colder water The blower's daughter The pupil in denial I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off of you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes off you I can't take my eyes... Did I say that I loathe you? Did I say that I want to Leave it all behind? I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off you I can't take my mind off of you I can't take my mind off you I can't take my mind off you I can't take my mind... My mind...my mind... 'Til I find somebody new it's quite beautiful. the first time i heard it was on my yahoo launch station that i always listen to at work. then it surprised me as the intro to mike nichol's "closer" starring jude law, natalie portman, julia roberts, and clive owen. i purchased the dvd and it was one of those purchases at a rental where they say buy 4 for $20. usually, all those movies suck, so i shopped... getting a couple purchases i have never before seen but just had the inkling to own. they were closer, dodgeball, a mighty wind, and something's gotta give. i have a 3 out of 4 win because dodgeball was funny, but it wasn't that funny. yeah yeah... i'm not totally disappointed. but anyways, back to closer... it was heartfelt... bitter but beautiful as i've been saying for the past couple days. it's really something to get into... just like i got into brokeback mountain... same thing, bitter but beautiful... and maybe the beauty comes from how well the bitterness was portrayed. so ups to ang lee as well. did i say i loathe you? did i say i want to leave it all behind? Current Mood: awake (Comment on this)
Thursday, January 26th, 2006
5:09 pm	come one, come all yeah yeah yeah...it's been a goddamn long time, hasn't it? i'd like to blame (yes, damnit... BLAME!) my past ineffective (is that the right word even?) account on livejournal on the drug we have now formally called myspace. i've been sober (but not really) for a couple weeks now, and i feel great (but really i don't). thus, i have now found new strength to bring back the good shit because the bad silly shit has been put behind me (because maybe i ran away). i am moving forward (because i'm out of options/directions) and recuperating (sp?) with the simplicity and directness of livejournal. no more of the social inadequacies i felt i gained via myspace. (i'm a serious nutcase... figuring that such a trivial internet base group has sent me such turmoil... or maybe i'm out of people/things to blame... for i have been accused of being selfish and martyring myself, especially by the people who love me). from the murky depths of internet whoredom, i have reclaimed my stand (and sit) at the computer journalistic throne of livejournal. so hello again, my friends. i heard you came to play. let's see what jr. has in store for you. brian took this exam with interesting results. too bad the state doesn't look at things like the following (that i pulled from an internet iq test): What factors helped determine my score? If your score isn't as high as you thought it would be, remember that there are plenty of external factors that can affect your performance on the test. If you were tired, hungry or distracted, you might have scored lower than you expected because you were less able to concentrate. Your level of formal education and your familiarity with taking these kinds of tests also influence how well you do. That's part of the reason IQ tests aren't a perfect measure of your intelligence. Your score would probably be quite different if the IQ test was designed to take into account your musical, artistic, emotional and social skills. On their own, IQ scores can't predict someone's ultimate success or definitive potential for success. Many of the qualities that lead to great achievements are learned through culture, experience and schooling - not solely from doing well on an IQ test. What your IQ test can help explain, however, is how your brain works best. By looking at the kinds of questions you answered correctly and the kinds of questions you answered incorrectly, we can tell you more about your intelligence type — the type that explains the kind of information that makes sense to your brain. good points, eh? thank you for stopping by. send your love, kuz i've missed you. Current Mood: calm (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 13th, 2005
2:09 am	i'm back, but only to do what everyone else is doing The Wild Rose Random Brutal Love Dreamer (RBLDf) shmolorful, but unpicked. You are The Wild Rose. Prone to bouts of cynicism, sarcasm, and thorns, you excite a certain kind of man. Hoping to gather you up, he flirts and winks and asks you out, ultimately professing his love. Then you make him bleed. Why? Because you're the rare, independent, self-sufficient kind of woman who does want love, but not from a weakling. You don't seem to take yourself too seriously, and that's refreshing. You aren't uptight; you don't over-plan. Romance-wise, sex isn't a top priority--a true relationship would be preferable. For your age, you haven't had a lot of bonafide love experience, though, and this kind of gets to core of the issue. You're very selective. Your exact opposite: The Dirty Little Secret Deliberate Gentle Sex Master The problem is them, not you, right? You have lofty standards that few measure up to. You're out there all right, but not to be picked up by just anyone. "You're never truly single as long as you have yourself." ALWAYS AVOID: The Bachelor CONSIDER: The Vapor Trail. Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating. My profile name: aleecat (Comment on this)
Sunday, July 17th, 2005
8:11 pm	fuck them in the arses... far and wide i did the crying thing already. i'm tired of that. my eyes are burning from that bullshit. i'm extremely cynical right now and i don't give a fine fuck about what's going on around me. it's ridiculous, i understand, that i'm growing an extreme fit over the fuckin stupid ass dog eating my paper cranes. of course, the most pissing thing of it all is that i just made dinner for the whole family who didn't touch it really, and after doing that, no one could watch the stupid fuckin dog... that one dog cocoa who's the most retarded hyper dog in the whole wide fuckin world. that dog was cute for the first 2 seconds she didn't know how to run and jump... now the running and jumping AND barking adds a greater hatred to her miniscule size. pepe just stinks... but cocoa is plainly a fucker! bleh... i need to get over this bullshit... and the bullshit of obi just hanging around my room twirling his fucking hair around his fingers watching the simpsons trying to hold back every mu'fuckin laugh because he's in a "bad" mood. whatever asshole... get out of my fuckin house if you don't want to be here. jesus christ, this is a great exercise. this whole venting thing is a bit helpful. i'm not doing it in anybody's face, and talking shit behind backs yet sharing to the entire internet database... i suppose... is still relieving. whatever... fuck them in the arses, far and wide. dejavu. i'm done here. i'm tired and worn & all this bent energy isn't doing anything for me but making me angrier. blah blah blah... the con yesterday was fun. glad i got to do that. i just don't wish to share that business right now. your happiness doesn't help... neither is your sadness. Current Mood: cranky (Comment on this)
Monday, April 11th, 2005
8:42 am	watch out now! i woke up about 3 times throughout the night since I fell asleep around 9:30 pm. two dreams were absolutely memorable. and since margon isn't around for me to share these distinct dreams... i'll have to post. First dream, i'm not going to go over the details but it went like this... i got married to this one guy who i suppose would be someone i would marry if i never left san marcos and moved to berkeley, if i remained the same person i was in 6th and 7th grade, if my cousin dindo still lived with us, in any case, if i hadn't changed much... this guy would be my ideal, i suppose... he was kinda ugly... so that's not very ideal... and a bit chubby. he was filipino, catholic, wealthy, and wanted to take care of me. but the same time i was married to him, i was seeing beto on the side. it was weird. second dream was very complex. i was living in rome, but a ghetto side of rome, not the parts you see in movies. i was living in a large home by a hillside with my mom, my cousin gina and her kids, my cousin moi, my brother, and eric... basically the benavides family (with the exception of eric). also living in rome was margon, but she had her own apartment across town. the dream played out like a movie, but it was still from my perspective. i wasn't outside looking in, i was a part of the story. so in the beginning of the dream, my brother and eric were playing with all their different martial arts weapons which i have no idea of their names. there were different swords, nunchucks, that weapon that one of the ninja turtles has that elektra has also, etc. so i was watching them from below the hill looking up, sun almost setting in the background. then my cousin moi approached me with a favor. the thing is i haven't been close with him in about seven or eight years, so i would do almost anything for him. he told me to kill a politician, and he would pay me for it as well. i took up the offer never really realizing what it was i would be doing or the consequences thereof. thus, i had eric and nonoy supply me the weapons, and they wanted to tag along. we did a ninja sneak attack up to the castle-like home of this politician. ok, well i don't think it was his home, but it was an equivalent to parliament, i suppose... because in the inside, the dignitaries were in a meeting at a long table, and this guy i was sent out to kill was there. eric and nonoy helped me with their tips on how to sneak inside, but they decided to stay behind while i went in for the kill. i burst through the office flying my swords around. i had to large blades in one hand (nonoy told me it was like a machete and a long kitana) and in the other hand was the short kitana sword. i was really pro in flinging and swinging these swords around, but when i came up to the politician (whose name i never learned) i knicked his shoulder, stabbed his chest and sliced a bit of his forehead. i saw the blood and ran away. later on i heard ambulances and police cars sirening and driving up the hill and newspapers the next morning explaining the attempted assasination. i also saw on the news that the politician has been interviewed, and apparently displaying my attempt to murder failed. an old picture of me was displayed saying i was the attempted assasin... but it was an old picture of me with black hair and bushy eyebrows and a younger face. since my hair is a dark copper blonde with a whitish blonde streak on the side, people wouldn't really recognize me, i thought. but then again, how many filipinos reside in rome? i had to get out of rome and move to the u.s. so i couldn't be convicted of any crimes. i was afraid for my life, so i went to margon's apartment across town, but i had to be very sneaky about it so no one would recognize me. i helped her move in her stuff because she just moved there. then i asked her if she could take me to the airport so i can take off for the u.s. she drove my getaway car and dropped me off. but before that, the dream took a weird twist because i had also attended margon's wine & cheese party before that. the dream also took another weird turn before i left italy. the filipinos throughout italy came together and celebrated me as a hero because i tried to kill this one politician. they said they'd take care of me like a mob if i remained in italy... but they said they couldn't guarantee my safety at the airport if i were to leave to the u.s. i guess i took my chances because i made the flight to the u.s. but for some reason i had to go back to rome. and i did. in rome i met up with my brother and eric again, and i think moi was around, i'm not sure... he remained like some mysterio character throughout the dream. i made it back to rome in time of a festival. and apparently they were marketing my looks throughout the streets. headbands with my hair and haircut were being sold on the streets. my cousin gina told me to wear one of them so i could blend in with the other girls, so i could look less obvious and suspicious walking around rome where i was "Most Wanted". i was walking off to a car with my bro and eric when a cop spotted me and recognized me. he told me he could turn me in for a lot of money... but there was some weird sexual tension between the two of us. i was afraid he was, and i believe he was attracted to me. all of a sudden, cops were sirening down the hill and shooting at us. they hit my bro once near the knee and shot me three times, two on my leg and one on my thigh. yet, we all stayed invincible. the police got shot, too, and he was actually shooting back at the other cops, as was my brother, eric, and i. that's when i woke up... so now i don't know what to make out of all of this. my mom just got a phone call this morning saying my cousin was killed in the philippines. i wasn't close to this guy... but i still wonder if there's any connection? Current Mood: curious (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Sunday, March 27th, 2005
3:04 am	dye eggs, not hair extremely bipolar these past days. did a drunken no-no the other nite. i apologize sincerely to brian for making a fool out of myself. i hope it was amusing because that's probably the only way left to redeem myself these days. it was good to see premiere as well. he inspired me to get going on that super awesome "indie" (that's for brian) HOT porno flick i should be writing and later directing. the proper time to get that done is AFTER i have my children's book out in print! had easterish festivities @ gato's earlier in the nite. that girl is loud... i love to hate on her, but when she's stable... i can't help not loving her. hmmmmm... i'm out of it. my mom the other other nite looked at the messy arrangement in the food cabinet in the garage. she told my sister that it was as scattered as her brain. her english analogies kill me! i love her to pieces. ok, so happy easter children. i'm so out of it. i'm like that cabinet! (Comment on this)
Sunday, February 20th, 2005
12:39 am	so many reasons to cry... and many more not to i'm finally relieved from some stress. the teaching this is on a short break (they call it mid-winter break) which gave me a whole to spend in downtown and do my project for studio. so yesterday was my critique and a whole lot of other things. like everytime before the critique, i spend at least 24 hours awake doing my entire project before the deadline. this time, i spent 42 hours awake before i zonked out last night on vicente's bed. those hours were indured by autocad, traffic on the i-5 (where i smoked a cigarette in my car which i never do, but traffic annoys me), model-making, smoking, moments of dillusion, menstrual cramps, nsad not printing my shit correctly, parking ticket, critique (which i missed more than half of due to the running back and forth getting my shit printed and falling asleep), yelling on the phone to beto because his alcoholic ass annoys me, trying to sleep in the loft in studio, worrying with david, and partying on the rooftop. so enough with the briefing... here comes the juicy details. so for the first time in my life, i finished my model (which was delightful shit but got the message across) and i had a photoshop file that needed to be plotted at studio. so i went into do that around noon. my critique would be at 4pm, so i was in good timing. i went over to the plotter, and there was no line to use it. i tried to plot, and the fuckin thing didn't do it. i went back to vicente's apartment where i had been working all night and day and found a fucking parking ticket on my windshield. fridays they have streetsweeping between midnight and 3am. so my fuckin fault i totally lost track of time (including the fact that it was friday). so that was pissing me off. oh, by the way, the night before, beto kept leaving ridiculously-stupid-asshole-shit-thought-from-frat-boys on my fuckin phone. it annoyed the fuck out of me because i was wired and i absolutely abhor his drinking (although i love to drink... david calls it a double-standard). i don't really hate the fact that he drinks, but he's absolutely stupid sometimes when drunk. like his iq turns to shit or something and the dumbest things become funny. that kind of drunk. ok. no, he's not that bad. but because he's an alcoholic, he worries me. it's mostly the worrying and the fucked up situations he gets himself into.... i.e. trying to kiss a dog which later bit his face! yeah, he still has that scare. yeah, stupid shit like that... and getting more drunk with more alcoholics. i don't know the absolute source of this anger, but i would leave him forever if his alcoholism became too bad to handle. right now, it's not bad at all, just borderline and annoying. hmmmm... in any case, he upset me the night before. back to the story, i was getting dillusional during model-making in the wee hours of the night. vicente was asleep and i was working alone in the silence except for the occasional people walking through the halls coming back from the bars or whatnot. after that vicente woke up telling me about his weird dreams. then i think he went back to sleep while i worked on through... blah blah blah, printing didn't work, parking ticket, worrying, kelly going crazy about the fuckin trees on her site on autocad disappearing, plotting again didn't work, time to move to the other building for the critique. it happened and i either fell asleep or left the room to try to get my shit plotted. someone finally helped me plot and i presented last. it went fabulously. they loved it (or loved me, whatever it's all good in the 'hood). the panel consisted of maxine (architect and my instructor which i have the hugest crush on, which is weird because i'm always crushing on my instructors, i.e. petar), maxine's co-worker and mate jeremy (who works in the same firm as maxine, m.w. steele), and a librarian (which was actually kelly's boyfriend's dad. since our project was to do a library in the la jolla area near ucsd, it was necessary to have a librarian who understood the program. in any case, like i mentioned before... excellent critique... "the most original concept" said jeremy. alright, now i'm bragging. but he really said that. during the critique, beto kept text-messaging me. it was annoying because i was angry with him and he's always complaining if i'm gonna dump him again (which i've done about 4 or 5 times so far... and not proud of kuz i do love him to death). so when the critique was over i finally called and argued about his drunken ass and that i wasn't coming home and staying at vicente's and going to his party. blah blah blah, it was a stupid argument, yet he hurt my feelings and i wanted to cry. i waited for vicente to come back to studio, but i guess he was already planning shit on his rooftop for the party. so i went to the loft to try to sleep and cry. it didn't work out. so i hung out with david instead who was worried about getting the studio locked. david's maybe 37 or 38... and he's fun to be around... so i get a lot of wisdom from him. we talk about how vicente's head is put on wrong at the time. and i'm upset that vicente isn't worrying about me. he's supposed to be my older brother, and he didn't even notice i wasn't at his party. i wanted to cry about it like a big baby! but whatever, david said energy would be lost being angry at vicente. so we went onto his rooftop party. vicente had a keg which was good for me. he was very happy to see me but noticed how upset i was. i told him that i was upset about things i didn't want to talk about (beto) and at him for not calling me. he got sad. but whatever. after 6 cups of beer i was fine with him. already drunk, i ended up talking dirty to a lot of people... ok not dirty to them, but dirty around them. my mind is consistenly in the gutter. i also talked to maxine, my instructor. she was drunk too. she's irish, it's in her blood. and she congratulated me on work well-done. she told me how she was worried about me and asked vicente about me. as sweet as he is, he told her that i always pull through in the end. maxine totally agreed. she's so adorable. i told her that her name makes me imagine of a pornstar. it made her smile. it didn't make her husband too excited though... hehe. then after midnight it was my 42nd hour awake, i decided that i had to sleep. i asked vicente to escort me to his place. before i went straight to his bed, he gave me a hug, and i asked for a kiss. he refused because he's already in trouble for getting involved with a girl who has a boyfriend, but i told him i kiss my mom the same way... so i just wanted a good-night kiss on the lips. it was nice, and absolutely soft. makes me want to make out with him, but i won't. vicente and i agree not to be plastered around each other because as much as we want to make out w/ each other, we know we shouldn't. but i love vicente, and he loves me. he was an awesome host... with a pretty face. hmmm... and why do i still want to cry? i dunno, i had a mixed night of good and bad. i'm still upset with beto, but i can't stop loving him. ooooh, also, weird... i've been thinking a lot about brian lately. i get teary-eyed when i think about him. i miss him, but more likely, i'm beginning to be intimidated by him. i feel almost estranged. i'm sure he feels the same way too. we're both busy people in different directions. almost completely different people. he makes me so mad sometimes because of how stubborn he can be... but his adorable smile makes me swoon. i know he fucks around with girls, but i wonder if i'm still the only girlfriend he's ever had. he's the only boyfriend who could ever read my mind. he's still able to read my mind today... but i don't get to talk to him anymore. mostly because his broke ass don't have a number i can call... and it does anger me that he knows my number but never calls me. his fuckin brother still calls me! what the shit is that? sad, huh? in any case, i believe that if we get to talking again, it'll start out weird... like we'll have to do that how are you doing bullshit before we can get to the meat of the conversation. i don't know. i'm afraid i may not know who he is anymore... that one-year-agfarm kid from san marcos who was so scared of who he was and where he was, who talked to me about bennie and the jets and painted my finger nails... that was his security blanket then, and mine too... i don't know what his is now. i'm sure he doesn't know mine either. isn't that just sad? or is it appropriate? i miss and love you brian... immensely. Current Mood: unsure (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, January 21st, 2005
6:32 pm	goed tot ziens hmmm... just had a good zen talk with my buddy david. he's like my yogi. anyways, the pressure is building up as i've taken up a full-time job (teaching @ SMMS), full-time school (@ NSAD), part-time interning (with CTA), and all what's leftover is for my relationships with people... and that has been little to no time (depending how much sleep i choose to sacrifice). in any case, i feel like my endeavours to move forward in my goals have set me back in my relationships... to the point that maybe i shouldn't be surprised when i'm forgotten. copenhagen this summer is sounding more and more appropriate. Current Mood: tired Current Music: sounds of studio (Comment on this)
Friday, October 29th, 2004
12:15 pm	downtown lady yeah, so i spend almost everyday in downtown now. it's weird, because when i'm living in san marcos, i never go outside the borders of escondido or oceanside. those seem to be my caps. stickin to north county. now because of school, i'm constantly down there, a place that has always existed (for the majority of my life that i've lived in san diego county), but i'm just never really down there. tonight i was supposed to go see interpol @ soma w/ my new friend vincent. he's a very shy hipster lookin boy who i'm adoring day by day. tomorrow's his bday, and we're planning to get his nipple pierced tomorrow. last weekend we gallavanted from downtown to oceanside... i don't think he ever wants to drive up north again. he's complaining... but shit, i do that drive every motherfuckin day, and yes, everyday some mother is gettin fucked (by her day). i also have a crush on my instructor, petar (not pronounced peter, but peh-TAR)... i have this love/hate relationship that i could imagine exploring into s&m. he's so tall i could climb him. and he acts like he hates almost everybody's projects... it fuckin turns me on when i do something wrong. of course i get excited over my good critiques... but the ones when he starts to get all petar on our asses... it makes me wanna slap him, and then fuck him later. ok... so this very day was the first day i got one of those friendster messages from beto. where was i last year on this very date?? i was in berkeley surprising my old roommates, and brian came over from the holy cross, and we played on gato's & margon's laptops looking up friendster profiles and talking about all the potentials i had lined up for me. yeah, i'm a sorry internet whore... what can i say? anyways, beto's message read something like this: "some strange and evil force has compelled me to contact you. that or i jsut really like you glasses. i would like very much for you to contact me. you seem neat" that was cut & paste. of course, brian being the sassafras that he is commented on this guy's lame ability to spell correctly. if only people knew it was that easy to get laid, then everybody would be throwing shit like that in the air constantly. wait a minute, that's the shit i get off the streets walking through downtown. ok, so i'm easy. so now i'm thinking about my halloween spent last year... and it was a blast... i think gato was murder on the dance floor... or was that some other time? or is she always murder? i can't remember... the hoe hasn't called me in ages. anyways, this year, i'm going to do what beto did last year for halloween... some house party in o'side. we got in a major tiff because i wanted to go downtown w/ john... john and i agree... we're getting tired of this drunken house parties and listening to beto's drunk ass argue or play video games... and we also agreed (and i spoke to brian about this many times) that this lauren girl gives us weird vibes... as john says, "she's fuckin crazy"... my interpretation? she just rubs me wrong... but apparently, she's one of beto's best friends. TYP! anyways, i can't wait, come november, come veteran's day (maybe), come thanksgiving... i think i'll be in my medium. We can forget all our troubles; forget all our cares, and go Downtown -- things will be great when you're Downtown -- don't wait a minute more Downtown -- everything's waiting for you... (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, October 2nd, 2004
9:19 pm	if my fuck could talk randiness doesn't quite explain it. i think i'm in heat. i'm not eating regularly. i finally got a real job. sex is yummy when it hurts. hearts break all the time, what makes mine an exception? love goes a long way, even to china. i wonder about dinner a lot. maybe today will be the day, and nothing more. i got school on monday. comfort has dwindled down to a security blanket. pinatas will be great. i think i want to go to spain. are fuck stories considered "over the top"? when will vegas arrive? i want it to be christmas. i want it to be my birthday. i need money, but then again, who never says that? i don't think my libido is like a panda's! saddam hussein and osama bin laden are very hard to distinguish. that's my bush. remember that? sometimes, all you really need is a hug, and a grab at the ass. why do men make out with my fiance at gay bars? better yet, why does that turn me on? fire pubes are HOT! no really, they're HOT! jack be nimble, jack be quick... jack premiere is playing with a candle stick. (he'll never notice.) so, the gato has successfully done it again. call me dumped. aha, karen o... that's it. friendship? i'm sorry, it was NEVER just a friendship. hahahaha... he never knew we were gonna have a kid. i want my very own pussy wagon. sometimes, i love from here to mars. oooh love... ooooh lover boy, what're you doin tonight, hey boy, set my alarm, turn on my charm, that's because i'm a good ol' fashioned lover boy... (ok, one more for the road)... i'm a rocket ship on my way to mars on a collision course i am a satellite i'm out of control i am a sex machine ready to reload like an atom bomb about to oh oh oh oh oh explode... Current Mood: randy Current Music: queen (Comment on this)
Thursday, September 23rd, 2004
8:42 pm	i could write books I could write books 'bout all the things you don't know about me, page after page of all the things you didn't say. I could write books 'bout all the things you didn't do, And then write twice as much about how much I still love you. I drop hints about my birthday, you forget it anyway. I say pick me up at seven, and you do, but the wrong day. Is there something I should know about that's going on inside? What is wrong with me that there's so much of you you hide? I could write books 'bout all the ways you hurt me, All the ways you didn't even know could destroy a person so. I could write books 'bout all the things you took from me, And then write twice as much About how much you give back. I could fill all the desert sands With ancient scriptures from my hands, Watch siroccos come erase them And then write them all again. I just can't understand why I do all these things that don't make sense; but love it seems has a logic that defies all evidence. I could write books 'bout all the things I don't know about you, volumes one and two of all the doubt you've put me through. And maybe I'll never know why you do the things you do, but I do know...I'll always love you. 'Cuz deep inside, I think you love me, too. Current Mood: crushed Current Music: showtunes... zana don't? i think that's the show (Comment on this)
8:15 pm	i missed three cool chicks, three cool cats yeah, so the show was nice (on wednesday night), and i was rockin out to the 4 or 5 songs the 5,6,7,8's performed (which their songs are usually a minute or so long) before i "keeled" over. i never used that word before, and i never heard it used until beto spoke of it. i had a long day yesterday. i woke up at 5am and had an equivalent of 4 or 5 cups of coffee... funny thing about the numbers 4 and 5... janet jackson's response to those numbers were hirarious (last night on will & grace, the story of my future life with brian... the thing is, if you date alee, you date brian & alee...). back to the coffee and lack of a real meal until i came home around 4ish. i made some thai curry, and i suppose i put in too much coconut milk because it tasted rather bland. well, i ate a bit of that, and i was upset by emilee's death that i just wasn't in a so good mood. by the time i reached downtown, i headed over to the princess pub because that was the only place i knew that served carlsberg. but to my surprise, when i got there, they said they stopped selling that about a month or so ago... some kind of draft or that's what the bartender said. so i got a guiness instead. the carlsberg would've been the only thing that would've made my night, and the possibility of rocking out to the upcoming show. i shall not forget to mention that the bartender also said that there is no longer any place in southern california that serves carlsberg. according to beto and joel, they believe that i just made this shit up... to liz, it was my holy grail that i will forever be in search for... until i head back to jolly ol' england. or was it tina that said that? in any case, i settled for a budweiser and 2 gin & tonics (with two splashes of tobasco sauce each)... it's kind of a mexicali version of the gin & tonic which i so hated when margon drank it all the time, and now i've warmed up to it very well, especially w/ the tobasco. yeah, so these i drank at the casbah during breaks between performances and during the two bands before the 5,6,7,8's. after the second band, i went out for a smoke, in preparation to not miss out the actual band i came to see. i had my 4 drinks filling my tummy, which isn't a lot, but i'm not good with mixing. in the outdoor/sort of indoor section of the casbah, some guy hands me a joint, which he kept doing until i took my last puff at 3. usually 3 does me really well. i was feelin it by the time i got back in, standing near tina, joel, and liz. beto was nearby too. when the chicks got on, he was so rockin to their tunes, and so was i... but i was so fuckin paranoid and just dizzy beyond belief. i started to black out, and i thought, maybe i should move towards the exit door and take a whiff of fresh air outside. i headed that direction, or at least i thought, and that's when i woke up sitting outside, not knowing that i "keeled" over. later i felt really nasty, and i didn't want the shit inside me to settle in; thus, i purged myself. that was lovely, for all the stuck-up pretty cats to see when they left the casbah. i then walked over to the van to sleep off the dizziness... and that's when the anger and fury of beto bursted out. he was so fuckin pissed that he was missing the show because of me. of course i was upset that i was missing the show as well... i fuckin paid for the both of our tickets (which were very cheap) for this show that sold out. yeah i was upset... but i was way too sick in the stomach & head to be enough upset, or as upset as he. and yes, after an hour or so of resting, i ended up driving back home... trying not to be some dui... and i did very well, but i hope to GOD i never do this again. as of now, i can't speak to beto, due to my embarassment. he did leave messages on my phone yesterday apologising and such... but to me, i'm way too hurt from my own embarassing actions and for his loss. i was always one to never regret my past or any actions i took. i knew that they would be learning experiences for the future... but i have to admit, i absolutely regret wednesday night. p.s. i left brian a message last night. tonight, i wish i could leave for santa cruz... and sleep in his arms like i did in the past. i wish i had gato's lap to lay my head on. i wish i had the company of margon's to settle comfortably with. "these are a few of my favourite things..." (Comment on this)
Wednesday, September 22nd, 2004
5:01 pm	in search of christmas this morning, but got death instead this morning i woke up with that southern california winter feel... the smell, the certain coldness/warmness, the dry air, and even the smell of my house... so i was happy to be alive and awake this morning. after my shower, i planned to look for my christmas cd so i could sing along to those jingles that always make me happy. instead, i got the news of emilee's death. only three weeks after she left our house... it makes me wonder... it makes US wonder. when she first came to our family, they said she only had 2 years to live. if she stuck around our place, it would be five years this coming december. the last time i saw her, she was talkative and poking fun and jokes like usual. hopefully tonight i'll feel better... looking forward to the 5.6.7.8's... i'm a bit angry right now with my environment. maybe things will change during the concert. christmas just seems too far away. i'll sing showtunes instead. (1 Comment |Comment on this)